BEHAVIOR AND DISCIPLINE Children are very different from one another. In talking with other parents or comparing your first to your second child, this will be quite evident. Each child has his or her own personality and behavior. It is this limitless combination of traits which makes every child special and unique. Some children will be more demanding of your time, some will be more interested in entertaining themselves. Some will be placid. Some will be very curious and into anything. A full discussion on behavior and discipline is well beyond the scope of this pamphlet, but whatever your child’s behavior, there are a few guidelines to follow. Remember that the children will always be watching you, listening to you and learning behaviors from you (even when you think they are playing over in a corner of the room), so be very conscious of setting a good example. Through the first year and a half, facial expression and tone of voice may be sufficient to modify your child’s behavior.  Removing your child from the problem may be necessary. Do not expect them to comprehend reprimands at this age. Do compliment good behavior and remember to pay quiet attention to your child when he is entertaining himself. This will encourage more quiet self-play. By one and a half, your child will probably comprehend most every simple thing you tell him and, though it may vary from one child to the next, it is around this time that more specific types of discipline may be employed.  At the early toddler age, discipline is concerned simply with safety. Structure your child’s environment so that minimal safety risk will be encountered. Allow his explorations to stimulate his curiosity and intellect.  Pick a few rooms that you do most of your family living in and childproof those well. If he gets into or onto something dangerous say no firmly but gently then physically remove him from the situation and distract him with something else without drawing too much attention to the offending behavior. Choose your battles and ignore irrelevant or unimportant behavior that is unrelated to safety at this young age, no matter how annoying (e.g., thumb sucking, nose picking, whining). Constant criticism only teaches your child to tune you out. State your rules firmly but gently with a minimum of words so the message doesn’t get lost (“No, we don’t hit the dog”), and follow up with explicitly stated expectations so your child is left with a positive thought to focus on instead (“we pet the dog “ ) .The message registers 30 better if you get close to your child, gently touch him, make eye contact and speak in a firm but not harsh voice. Nonverbal disapproval - - raised eyebrows, hands on hips, or a simple interruption of your activity with significant eye contact can be very effective in stopping behavior.  Consistency in applying the rules is important for each caretaker over time and also between caretakers, admittedly a difficult task.  Attention getting behaviors (most commonly temper tantrums) are best ignored, though it will often be difficult. Surprisingly, an 18 month old would rather get negative attention (punishment) from his behavior than no attention at all. Positive reinforcement of good behavior is probably the most important way in which we structure behavior. Parents should strive to know at the end of the day that they said at least one positive thing to their child for every negative thing said; some behavior specialists suggest that a more positive ratio of 3-4 praises for each reprimand is more conducive to the establishment of good self esteem and is more motivating for good behavior.  Somewhere between 1 and 2 your child will probably be ready to start time-outs. Placing your child in a time out (“cooling off”) place, such as a special chair or room designated as a spot to sit for a few seconds to minutes can be a very effective way to truncate undesirable behavior.  When your child understands the concept of logical consequences (e.g., “If I peepee in the potty I will get a sticker and a hug”) he is ready for time-outs.  Begin by picking the time out place, a dull but not frightening or dangerous place (e.g., a chair facing a window or wall, the stairs ) Briefly explain what a time out is and identify the types of behaviors that will be punished by time-outs at first. Start with behaviors injurious to others (biting, hitting, kicking) and when the time-out technique has been well established add behaviors to the list such as intentionally harming physical property or open defiance of an important request. When your child misbehaves he gets no more than 1 warning to stop the behavior before being escorted to or asked to sit in the time out place. With children who have a hard time quickly changing the course of their behavior, counting to three out loud will often give them the necessary time to reorient their priorities in line with yours. If compliance has not started in earnest by the time you reach “3”, escort your little one to the time out chair. The time out should continue until your youngster is back in control of himself and for no longer than one minute for each year of life (e.g. 3 minutes for a three year old).  Brief timeouts are frequently the most effective because they are seen as less punitive by children and are better tolerated by parents too.

When timeouts are brief, parents are more likely to use them consistently, which is important because time outs are most effective when they are consistent, immediate, and predictable. Ideally, a time out should be imposed immediately after an infraction and every time the infraction is observed. Kitchen timers are highly recommended for keeping track of the time out; a child won’t take a timer’s authority personally.  Speak as little as possible while imposing time-outs. Briefly and clearly identify the infraction for your child on the way to time out and say nothing more (“Oops, time out for hitting”). Do not speak to or pay attention to a child in time out. If your child escapes, gently escort him back in and restart the timer.  When the timer goes off simply tell your child that time out is over and he may come out. Do not lecture, demand an apology or discuss the infraction any further; this only serves to revive resentment and reduce a child’s motivation to be compliant. Your child knows what he did wrong; so move on. Find something to praise him for as soon as is plausible to get things back on the right track. Time-outs are a very effective means of discipline that can be used up until about 10 years of age for most children; however, there may be some children for whom it may not be effective.  For the older child additional means of discipline may be added as your child develops the ability to understand them. Logical consequences, taking away a toy, object or privilege if it isn’t cared for appropriately is often effective (“If you throw your toys I will have to put them away”).  Delaying a privilege until a responsibility is completed can be helpful (“you may watch TV after you set the table and feed the dog”). Have family conferences about particularly thorny issues and adopt a joint problem solving approach with your child as they get older.  Applying consequences immediately after misbehavior is most effective. Discipline should be brief and should be imposed by the adult who witnessed the infraction. Using “I” messages (“I am upset that this room is a mess”) will minimize defensiveness and improve your chances of actually being understood. It also serves to model awareness of one’s feelings to your children. Yell as seldom as humanly possible.  We all do it, but it is a sign that discipline is breaking down and it usually means that you are doing too much talking and not imposing time-outs or using other strategies quickly enough. Spanking is being hotly debated in pediatric circles but it is safe to say that we discourage it as a standard disciplining technique. If it is used at all, it should be used extremely rarely and in only the most egregious of circumstances. Correct with love, speaking to your children the way that you would wish to be spoken to. Children learn to be respectful when we 32 model respectful behavior towards them. Remember that the word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means teach. The more your child sees and models herself after your good behavior, the less discipline will be necessary. Praise desired behaviors not only verbally but also by moving close to your child, smiling, being affectionate and making eye contact.